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So I have spent the last 10 months or so in a happy, little bubble, feeling like everything was working out for me. I barely opened up this blog as I was spending my time with the boy. The amazing, cool, and caring boy. Now if you have been following this blog at all, you would know that I was well aware of what I was after in a relationship. I spent A LONG  TIME figuring out what I did what and I wasn’t really going to settle for anything less than this.

We spent the weekends exploring, swimming, camping, watching movies, or just spending independent time together. By this, I mean I read my book and he played Battlefield on Xbox. Jeez it was nice. It was more than nice. It was exactly what I was after. He would cook me breakfast and make me a toasted sandwich for lunch.

During this time, he booked his trip to Europe with his best friend. During this time I began to really trust him and was settling with the idea that he would be gone for two months.

During this time I fell in love with him.

And during this last week I have had my heart broken.

I had trusted this boy with everything. After taking it slow and letting him in, he had decided that he had this’ feeling’ that wouldn’t go away. That even though this was exactly what is was after in a relationship he couldn’t get rid of this idea that when they started planning Europe over 6 years ago that he was suppose to be single.

Now I know that every girl reading this is thinking, ‘what a dick move!’ And you are right. It is. But the other part of this is that I understand. I have travelled while having someone at home and it is hard. Also once he gets an image in his head on how something is suppose to be it is hard to change his mind. I know this boy pretty well and I know that he isn’t doing this because he wants to sleep his way around Europe. He is doing this because he is too logical to not know that it would be super hard. For both of us.

Today was the day that we said goodbye. He came over before he left for the airport to say goodbye. We hugged. He said he would miss me. And he will see me in a few months. I corrected him and said a couple of months because I am a stickler for timeframes.

So now I go back to being on my own. Looking after myself. And hoping one day I won’t wake up feeling like I will cry. Because I am already sick of ruining my make-up. But until that day, I think I will steer clear of mascara.

How others see you..

If you asked my friends how they saw me, one friend would say I am too understanding, I am still trying to figure out if this is a compliment or a criticism. Another friend tells me I am inspirational and smashing being an adult when I tell her about my day of mowing my lawns and paying bills. Another friend tells me I am always there to help.

Questioning the guy I am seeing he says I am bubbly, fun, easy to get along with, kind and smart. These would all be qualities that I would try and show every day.

 

I pride myself on what others think of me. I would hope that people see me as someone they can seek advice from. I would also hope they see me as a strong independent woman, something that I work towards every day. I do try and please everyone around me and help anyone, anytime.

Noticing all these, I haven’t once mentioned how people see me, appearance wise, rather the qualities I display. I do have a pretty closet of dresses though! I would hope that when someone sees me they don’t judge my curves (which I love) or my poor attempt/no attempt at putting on make-up.

I sometimes find myself slipping into it though. Seeing a person and judging based on appearances. But I also pride myself on the fact of noticing actions and words and making a decision based on those, rather than what they wear or how they look. Nothing can tell you more about a person that what they do and what they say.

What I do, and what I say are they most important things I have and knowing this, I can always make a good impression.

 

2017

I know globally 2016 has been referred to as ‘worst year ever’. Events such as Trump for President of the free world, Brexit, Harambe and the ridiculous amount of celebrity deaths including Carrie Fisher, Gene Wilder and Alan Rickman made it so. But for me personally my 2016 was pretty bloody awesome!

Something that made it was my job. I really found my feet at my school and also found a pretty awesome bunch of queens that I am very happy to call my squad. I was able to really get into curriculum and connecting with The Rite Journey Program.

I moved out on my own and made the place my own, with my cats and puppy of course! I also bought myself a range of adult items including a dish rack dryer and a couch. Pretty big grown up moments if you ask me!

I decided at the beginning of the year what I really wanted in a relationship as my previous one had been a disaster. Over the course of the first half of the year I fell in love with being my single self. As well as this, I met a pretty incredible guy who over the second half of the year became pretty important to me and makes me super dooper happy!

But enough of looking back. I want to look forward and what 2017 holds for me. I want to make sure I stick to my goals of this year and so I have made some pretty simple ones:

1. Be healthy
2. Be happy

To be happy and healthy I am going to continue already doing what I am doing. Spending time with my friends, the amazing guy I am seeing and also making time for myself.

Achievable and worth it.

Ladies Day

There were early plans made months ago to go to a ladies day at a winery at the beginning of December. The best part of this is I forgot we made the plans and as the weekend came around it felt perfectly timed and like a free weekend away with my queens!

How was your day? I bet the word was ‘busy’. We, as women, are always busy. The organiser of the day gave her opening speech and the main point of it was that this day was for me. This day was to spend it however you wanted without being judged. No kids, partners, friends or expectations. Purely do what you want in the company of other amazing women.. and some delicious wine and some old school dance tunes!

Women are naturally carers and nurturers and we rarely take time for ourselves. One thing since this day is I have been taking time out just for myself and enjoy each day how I want to. Whether that is with friends, with the guy I am seeing, or on my own with a good book or trashy tv (‘Married at First Sight’ reruns seems to be my choice atm).

Take the time, do something for yourself.

The table

Appreciation Post.

Wake up. Snuggles with Bella. Getting up to feed the cats. Snuggling back into bed and receiving my usual good morning message from ‘the boy’. Finally dragging myself out of bed to preform the morning rituals. Shower. Make up. Taking hay fever tablets. Coffee on the way to work. All the normal routines.

I arrive at school while the yard is still quiet and many teachers haven’t arrived yet. Once I am ready I head over to the main campus and sit down at the regular table in the staffroom. One queen is usually already there making her cup of tea and her orange handbag signifying that she has claimed her usual seat. I can’t explain how much I enjoy sitting at this table. And one by one my queens arrive and take their place. We might not have seen each other for a week due to busy schedules, illness, etc. Or we might have seen each other the night before for a Burgerville date but, God. I. Love. These. Women.

We share jokes, memes, stories, advice or how much we are enjoying/hating work. The world feels normal after sitting there for half an hour. In this time the school has filled with students and teachers and people are moving around trying to organise classes and extras. But for that short amount of time, most mornings I get to spend my time with my queens.

Even something as small as their company and laughs ultimately lifts up my spirits and I know I can handle anything that day.

I am a feminist

I will say it proudly. I am a feminist. Not in the terms that women are better than men. In that I believe we are both equal and offer the world a range of different ideas. There is not a superior gender, in fact I would argue we are both superior in different ways but equally great.

There is something wrong with how the word is used as an insult and that concerns me. Since when is believing that we are all equal become an insult? A disgusting term? A way to belittle and discredit someone else?

I will also be the first to say that men have it pretty rough to. Men have a certain expectation, they cannot show emotions, or seem to caring. They need to show their dominance over others and also show how ‘manly’ and strong they really are.

‘Man up’

‘Don’t be a girl’

Do these sound familiar to you? I have once been caught saying this too as a joke, teasing, but what did I actually mean? They are terms that are thrown around so carelessly, as a joke, that we don’t think about what we mean and also who we are being disrespectful to. No wonder it is so confusing to young boys, they hear ‘don’t be a girl’ and slowly but surely it seems that being a girl is seen as weak and means you are less of a human being.

So if being a feminist means that we start treating both genders equally the same then that is a label I am willing to take.

 

Grateful for…

Three things I am grateful for today:

1. My delicious blueberries that I had for recess
2. The three compliments I received for my jacket
3. Hayfever tablets

 

R E S P E C T

Ok so one thing I am huge on is respect. Respect is key to any type of relationship, whether that is you partner, best friend, mum, colleague, fuck buddy or the bus driver. It is crucial. You understand a lot about a person based on the way they treat others in a range of situations. 

If someone is disrespectful to me in any way they automatically lose points with me and I have minimal time for people with low points. I only spend my time with people who have big points. 

If you disrespect another woman in my presence, boy, will that piss me off. I don’t understand how someone thinks it is ok to judge someone and disrespect someone based on actions. Disrespectful behaviour is one of the leading pushes in the gender imbalance in society. If a man has multiple sexual partners he is graced with high fives and pats on the backs. He is given a godly status by his pack. If a woman has multiple partners she is shunned, talked about and even questioned by friends whether she ‘should slow down’. I have been told by someone I considered a very close friend at the time that I should slow down with the boys as it was ‘too much’. 

It was my choice. It is every woman’s choice to do what they please. And to be judged for this is the imbalance. A woman should NEVER gossip about a woman for ‘sleeping around’ and judge her. It just gives boys and men the opportunity to do it as well. 

Let me say this once. No one should ever treat a woman differently because of her choices. No one should ever have to deal with harassment because they have made their own choices. And no one should ever say ‘well she must have deserved it’ or ‘well she shouldn’t be fucking different guys’ or ‘she is obviously doing something for them to be treating her that way’. These are all poor excuses and what they actually do is disempower a woman who has only done what she should be allowed to do, and that is make her own fucking choices.

So next time you hear someone judging someone tell them to shut their mouths and that they have no right. Next time you hear someone making an excuse to call someone a slut slap them.

It is just not on. 

My Queendom

“The empire of a Queen must be full, enriched and in a constant state of growing”

For those who haven’t come across Constance Hall on social media. Check her out. She is a Queen. For years I have always used my name with Princess at the beginning for my social handles. I am a princess. Not because I am a prissy or sensitive, but because I was royalty and it had a nice ring to it! When people ask me what my Snapchat is or my Insta I say it proudly! Over the last few years though I have been through so much and it wasn’t until coming across Constance Hall and her Queen movement that I figured out and was able to label this changing feeling I had. I was no longer a princess, but a Queen.

I, like a tiny green caterpillar, had evolved into a beautiful and free butterfly. And obviously for this metaphor a butterfly equals a a fucking amazing Queen.

I started to notice things I never had before. I notice how amazing other women are and how much they can achieve. I was recently asked to list things that makes me happy and one of my responses was seeing new landscapes and just how beautiful the world is that we live in. I have surrounded myself with strong and independent women who encourage and inspire me every damn day. I found myself not only enjoying their company but my own company often and revelling in the something I achieved on my own, showing my own Queenly and awesome power!

I feel this overwhelming sense of achievement with everything I do and then also have then amazing feeling that I could and will do anything I wish. I also have now a stronger global sense of what is right and wrong and that I want to contribute to others. Others who don’t have opportunities or access to basic fundamental rights. As a teacher I try and instil the importance of education everyday as there are so many in this world, particularly females who just don’t get the chance for education or a voice. But I digress.

In saying all this I am not at the end of this journey. Queendom isn’t about being at the top and achieving everything. It’s about the journey and always being the best version of yourself every damn day. And some days are still bloody hard. I sometimes still struggle to leave my bed of a morning not because its cosy but because sometimes I just don’t really feel like facing the world for a moment because it seems so hard.

And on the other hand I know I can face anything that is thrown at me. Rude students, outfit fuck-ups. Abusive men. Managing money, or not managing money. And anything else life decides to throw at me because I am a Queen and I have some fucking fabulous Queens around me to drink with, laugh with, eat with, bitch with and to support.

I also have my trusty sidekick Bella with me.

Being an adulty adult

Sometimes I feel like I have my life together. And then the next moment I don’t exactly have it together and think, ‘fuck it, I am crawling back into bed and not coming out… only for snacks!’ I don’t know about everyone else but sometimes it is fucking hard being an adult and trying to stay afloat. Bills, budgeting, cleaning, making sure I have clean underwear and grocery shopping. Things like calling the phone company and cleaning the shower seem to go unattended for too long and I can also last 5 days without washing my hair just so I can sleep in.

Is this the same for everyone?

Because on the flip side of this sometimes  I feel like I am the adultiest adult living. I have weed n’ feeded my lawn. I don’t have any unpaid bills. And  I finally replaced broken lightbulbs that haven’t worked since I moved into my new place over a month ago.

Even with all of this, I think having it together is a sense of balance. I feel peaceful and fulfilled in every sense of the word. I don’t really have a specific reason but I think this is a culmination of different aspects of my life. Work is good. My relationships are balanced and enjoyable and money wise I am pretty comfortable. Plus I just bought a new couch and now I can laze around.

So if you feel like it’s all spinning out of control, take a step back and look at different aspects of your life, see what is causing the overwhelming sense of mayhem and change it. Positive thoughts really do make a difference.